Ξ February 2nd, 2008 | → Comments Off | ∇ Relationships |
It is Katt and my 16th anniversary today. We met on Feb 2nd, 1992 at a sushi restaurant in Metrotown.
For anyone that doesn’t know the story, Katt and I met on a BBS called Foundation’s Edge in late 1991. I wrote a message in one of the message boards wanting to talk to other people interested in ceremonial magic, and Katt was the person that replied. We carried on e-mail, and then phone conversations for about 6 weeks, and eventually we decided to meet in person. I think we are probably one of the first couples to meet on a computer system.
The rest, as they say, is history.
A lot has happened in 16 years, both amazing and challenging, and she has always been the brightest part of each day for me. If you can’t already tell, I adore her.
Happy Anniversary, Princess!
Lots of little things going on lately.
I lost the use of my computer for 3 days because of a virus. Going 3 days without a computer is rather hellish, especially when I have a lot of work to do. E-mail is also an essential part of my existence. I spent muchof Wednesday re-installing all my programs and data. Much hassle.
An extra monthly bill has popped up that is rather unfortunate and will make our budget quite tight.
We got a pretty Fisher’s Lovebird a few weeks ago. He is quite bitey and we’ve been working hard to make him more tame and less flesh nouchy.
We took the pugs to the vet early this week for annual shots and to get Luna’s and Bella’s ears looked at. They had been scratching at them for a few days and they seemed to be sore. It turns out they both had ear infections, so we got ear drops and antibiotics from them.
I’ve been working out fairly regularly and am feeling much more fit than I have been for a while. My tolerance of the eliptical trainer has gone down from beng able to be on it for 5 mins to only 20 mins. My feet go completely numb at the 20 minute mark. Wierd. So I do the elliptical for 20 then I run on the dreadmill until I am done. Then I lift weights for 30-45 mins and follow it up with a hot tub and swim.
I go in for a vasectomy in early July. Katt has no uterus, I know, but I do occasionally have other sexual partners and I want no chance of making babies.
We’ve changed En femme to the second Saturday of the month rather than the second friday. I think Saturday is a better day, since most people have Saturday as their party night. This En Femme looks to be quite well attended.
My PA is one of the best sexual enhancement devices I have ever used. The five seconds of pain was definitely worth it. I am at a 10g piercing right now and will try to gradually stretch it to a 6g. Once I am at 6g I will hopefully be able to afford a Prince’s Wand. It looks like an amazing little urethra stim unit that will have benefits for one’s partner as well.
Katt has a live in houseboy now. He is a cool guy and seems to dote on her. He sleeps on a little pet mattress by her side of our bed.
I still need a half decent lawnmower.
I have switched from regular coke to coke zero, thus cutting my calorie intake considerably and my waistline has shrunk as an added bonus.
Our personal and corporate taxes are now done for 2006. Eeeeeeevil! And expensive. But my accountant is teh HAWESOME and does am amazing job for me.
I can haz cheesburger?
Let’s see. I had a good birthday this year. I had my typical birthday melancholy, followed by much excitement and fun.
We went out and had sushi for dinner on my birthday, and I bought a fruit flan for dessert. I love flans. I used to have one almost every year when I was in my teens. On Friday we had our first Raven’s Retreat En Femme Friday party. It was my birthday party as well as a public event. It went really well.
I wore a dress for the first time -ever-. I’ve been told for, let me see, YEARS, that I’d look good in one; a gender fuck as it were. A very masculine me, not trying to look anything but masciline, in a dress. Who knew I’d look so hot.
Who knew. The look was a big hit. I got lots of compliments and even some leg humping. Not too shabby.
It was a smallish party, so Katt and I were able to play together. I have been experimenting with sounds. Sounds are nice. New genital sensations are always a good thing. At larger parties we tend to be busier hosting, so having some public play time was nice.
I have been attempting to be a little more open to trying new things. I can be somewhat stubborn about.. err.. change… and about my interpretations about what my role is and how I perceive myself. I can let myself be the focus of attention without feeling guilty. That’s a big one for me.
There has been some change in relationship status for me as well. I had been dating someone until just recently when I decided that I would make a better friend than a boyfriend. The decision really had nothing to do with the person I was dating at all, they are really cool, sweet, and attractive. I am just not up to that level of intensity in my life at the moment. I really don’t like to hurt people, but I can’t be where I’m not. I do enjoy their company a lot though and hope we can remain close friends.
So yeah, as always the birthday has been a very introspective time for me. More later though. It’s late and I am sleepy.
The bedroom is finally finished. I painted the last bits of trim yesterday and we organized it last night. It is a lovely bedroom. The colour we have on the walls & ceiling is called Royal Red, but it should really have been called Bloodbath Red. It is a lovely colour, but it does look like someone sprayed the walls with blood. Ah well. It suits us!
I also finished painting the dark brown trim in the hallway. All that’s left of that is to paint the bathroom door and trim. That is my task for tomorrow.
Business is really slow right now. I wonder if it’s something many other sites are dealing with. Our traffic is still good, but not many are buying right now. We have to get some bald models soon. That will certainly help.
We got our first nursery booking, which is awesome. We’ve working hard setting up the nursery, so it’ll be really kick ass. Hopefully we’ll be able to start working on the dungeon soon. As with anything, it depends on having money, which we don’t, so it may be a while. The thing I can do cheaply is sand down the walls and get them ready for painting.
I’ve been looking for a part time job. There is a distinct lack of any job that pays over $9/hr. That’s much lower than I am willing to go. I’ve been looking into more self employment options as well. Aside from wanting to earn some money, I also want to get out of the house and interact with people. I just don’t want to do it for a crap wage. It’s actually been quite a challenge to think of things I’d like to do that I qualify for that pay reasonably well. I am reasonably confident I’ll find something to occupy my time… eventually!
We’ve got the RV for sale as well. We’ve had a few folks look at it, but no offers yet. Winter isn’t the best time to sell an RV though, either. RV’ing is very seasonal, and sales don’t usually start to take off until March. Given that, we’re lowering our price in hopes that we’ll generate more interest. It’s a nice RV, but we need something a wee bit smaller that gets better gas mileage. It comes out again in the regional buy and sell today, so hopefully we’ll get more calls and a buyer.
Hopefully we’ll be ready for a housewarming party soon. Once we get the last bit of painting done and the art hung, we should probably be able to set a date. The challenge will be to get our friends, all of which live in or near Vancouver, our here to the burbs. 90 minutes isn’t so far though, so maybe we’ll have a big old partay! We shall see!
Katt is continuing to recover from her hysterectomy. She hasn’t gotten hysterical once since her surgery date. We went out for coffee with some local kinky folks we just met, and Katt dolled herself up. Man that girl is hot. She’s lost over 70lbs and she’s looking mighty fine. We were walking and she got a compliment from a passing lady pedestrian. I think that made her night. She’s pretty fatigued, emotionally and physically, from the surgery. A hysterectomy, even if you never wanted kids, is still a very emotional thing to have happened to you. Just the resources required from her body to repair the damaged tissue is astounding. I think she’s doing pretty well though. I pick up the slack where I can so she can rest and recover. I want her to stay healthy and not injure herself because she did too much.
I’m at 205lbs right now, down 25 lbs from where I was at last November. I’m also completely out of shape, where I was in awesome shape last November. It’s been one year since I exercised regularly. Not so good. Though, to be fair, I had ankle surgery in January and I was supposed to avoid impact exercise completely for 6 months. The yard work and painting has been good for me though.
Surprisingly, I have been having a lot of pain in my surgically repaired ankle. I am a little concerned about that. Once we can afford a membership at the community centre, I’ll start going to the gym again and I’ll work on strengthening the joint and see if that helps.
This has been one of my mish mash entries. For someone who doesn’t have a lot going on, I have a lot going on.
I must be excited or stressed or something. We move into our new place tomorrow. That’s pretty cool. There is a lot of work to do; painting, refinishing the HW floors, plumbing for the dishwasher, and some rewiring. We’re also expecting our furniture to be delivered from storage on Saturday, and some other deliveries as well. This weekend will be nuts. I have to do the whole address change thing soon too. If any local friends want to come over Saturday and help paint, I’ll have beer and food in the fridge! Just e-mail me for details, and keep in mind we’re about 90 mins outside of downtown Vancouver.
I am really happy to be having our own space again. In particular I’m excited about having a dungeon/play space, and I’m really excited about being able to entertain and have parties. That’ll rock. Of course, that won’t be happening until after Katt recovers from surgery. She gets vivisected on the 17th and will spend 4-7 days in hospital recovering. Hysterectomies are a pretty intensive surgery and it takes a very long time to recover from. In the long term, there will be a few benefits for her though from having had a hysterctomy. She’ll never bleed again, and she’ll never ever be able to get pregnant. It also seems she’ll keep her ovaries, which is very good. On a related note, I’m #1 in google for the search term “fibrous uterine growth”. Another downside to the hysterectomy is lack of sex! In the grand scheme of things it’s not a big deal, but it kind of sucks because Katt’s sex drive had started to come back quite strongly after a long time of being almost non existent and we were starting to rebuild that intimacy again which was really nice. Anyone who knows me knows how much I adore her and am completely stricken by lust for her.
It’s funny, one of the reasons the kind of poly we’ve done over the last 4-5 years hasn’t worked for us is because we dated separately during that period of time. My partners always felt that Katt was and is my main focus and that created an imbalance in that way. I enjoy being with Katt. We spend most of our days together and our lives are really integrated with each other. No matter how much we loved our other partners, there was just no way we could manage that level of equality purely from the fact that Katt and I had 15 years of history and goals as a couple that wanted to accomplish. I couldn’t be one of those poly people that moves between 3 or more different partners. To me it would feel like I was moving in a different direction than I wanted. I enjoy spending time with Katt. I guess I am one of those people that bonds really strongly to their partner. I can’t imagine my life without her. When you try to take someone else into that equation it can really become a challenge. Of course, there are different levels of relationships as well that wouldn’t require that level of enmeshment, and thats what we’ll likely do in the future. For myself, that means casual kink play and perhaps having a fuckbuddy or three. I don’t have any plans for any more romantic poly relationships. The kind of relationships we are really more interested in are power exchange (d/s) relationships. We’re a dominant kinky couple and we don’t want anyone to have equal say. That was a wee tangent, but something we’ve been talking about a lot.
One of the first things we’ll do tomorrow is buy paint and dog proof the fence in the back yard. Wow. We have a back yard. The dogs will love that. It’s not very private at the moment, but thats something we can worry about next year. We have family lined up with plant donations, so I’m sure we can come up with something.
I’d better try to sleep. I am starting to get too foggy to type coherently.
I bought a fantastic pair of shoes today that, unfortunately, ended up hurting my feet. I am going to see if I can get them stretched a tiny bit over my toes. All I need is a few millimeters more space and my toes will have all the room they need to wiggle without being crunched.
I had a few firsts today. I had my first manicure; I wasn’t impressed. I thought I’d end up with these super buffed and hot nails, and they look exactly like they do when I do it myself. I also got my back waxed. Neat experience. Once I hit 30 I started to grow this patch of hair in the small of my back and it started spreading upwards. 10 minutes of wax on, wax off, and my back is legendary!
It’s not a first, but I fit into size 34 pants again! I was a 36-38 a few months ago and for much of the last few years, and with my recent change in eating habits I’m down to a 34 with an occasional 36 thrown in. Sweet.
And on another good, well, GREAT, note… I have a sex life again! Not that the end all and be all in life is sex; the most important thing to me is the kind of intimacy that comes with it. Anyone who knows me sees how much I love Katt and how, well, devoted, I am to her. (It hasn’t made it easy for those I’ve been in a poly relationship with). That didn’t mean I didn’t love the people I was in a poly relationship with, it meant that I wasn’t able to give what I thought I could. You never know unless you try, and I have certainly learned a lot in my life. No matter what kind of day I’ve had, if we’ve had an arguement, a difference of opinion, or illness, at the end of the day there’s no place I’d rather be than with her.
We’ve been together almost 15 years. Wow. She still takes my breath away.
I’ve discovered two amazing TV shows in the last few weeks. Dead Like Me and How I Met Your Mother. Both are right up my alley; the dark humour in DLM is awesome, and the geeky relationship humour kicks ass in HIMYM. Strangely enough, I identify with the main character in HIMYM a fair bit. When I was 18-20 I was like him. I wanted to fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after. Like I said in my last post, I’m a romantic mushbucket. Lucky for me, I met the woman of my dreams (and I mean literally the woman of my dreams) when I was 20.
It’s funny; I grew up wanting a simple life, and I ended up living a life I’d never even imagined. While my life has been rather more complicated, it’s been infinitely more interesting than I could have imagined. I know every detail of the last 14 years intimately, but it sometimes doesn’t seem entirely real.
I can still remember the very young and untried young man I used to be. I always was very optimistic and tended to look on the bright side of things. I saw the world in my own, very romantic and idealized, way and I felt that other people were as bright and optimistic as me.
I’ve led a very lucky life. I can’t say that all of it has been easy, because it hasn’t all been easy. I’ve made a few really stupid mistakes. I’ve recovered from a few stupid mistakes. I’ve lived a life filled with intense moments of drama, stress, and loss, and I’ve lived a life filled with moments of intense love, purpose, and fufillment.
I’ve seen the horror that is the DTES of Vancouver. Whatever people tell you, it is horrifying, not just because there are people who shoot drugs (and occasionally each other), but because after a while you get used to seeing people sleeping on the street, shooting heroin, smoking crack, and beating the shit out of each other. It becomes normal. Shit like that should never -ever- be considered normal. Compassion and empathy should never be reserved just for family, friends, and peers and nobody should be left all alone in the night.
I’ve been numb for a very long time and once you’ve been numb long enough your forget to have compassion even for yourself. Isn’t it sad that the world generally seems to make people numb, crazy, or somehow completely oblivious to anything outside their sphere of awareness?
Books, TV shows, and movies, strangely enough, remind me to let my breath out once in a while. They give me a safe place to express emotion.
I wanted to use this trip across Canada as a fresh start for myself so I could break some ingrained patterns and habits. I want to wake up every day feeling excited about what is coming next. Every day I wake up grumpy and out of sorts. I am tired of waking up and wanting just to go back to sleep again. I want to become a nicer and better person. I don’t want to stand alone in a crowd anymore. I want to make friends with people that don’t mind that I get tongue tied from time to time and that I don’t always make sense. I want to be able to communicate more effectively my limits and desires around intimate friendships. I want to be able to make it through a single day without swearing profusely because I’m stressed out. I’m tired of being stressed out! My life is good. I shouldn’t have many reasons to be stressing, but amany days the knot in my throat is still there. I’m tired of my deodorant working for 20 hours less than the 24 hours it promises!
There is a lot of time to think while we’re travelling. There is no TV to distract me. We drive for up to 8 hours a day some days and there’s loads of time for reflection. Being stuck with my thoughts isn’t always so comfortable. I will ocasionally start thinking about something stressful and I have to remind myself not to get into a circular train of thought. I consciously refocus my mind on something else.
Every day when I wake up I try to stretch out my body and breath the clean, fresh, air and bring myself into awareness with a positive thought. Every day I see my angel sleeping across from me and that is the best happy thought that I have.
You know, I don’t use the term ‘polyamorous’ to describe myself anymore; I think I mentioned that not too long ago. The youthful ideals I had around that have shifted into a different reality. We both say we’re in an open marriage, though in practice neither of us really have much of a sex drive anyways, so the point is kind of moot. I’m just not able to go there right now on an emotional level. I’ve got too much stuff to work on inside myself before that even becomes a possibility.
The whole goal of this trip is to work on connecting with myself so I can better connect with others. I don’t mean sexually… get your mind out of the gutter (ptttthhhht). I simply mean that I would like to be able to develop some friendships that have no overt sexual tensions or expectations, and if they do, to be able to clearly state my limitations. I also want to learn to become less self critical. I am my own worst enemy, if truth be told.
I don’t know what I want from the rest of my life right now. I know some things… I want property so we can rescue animals. I want to live a meaningful life where I feel I’m contributing to the world in some small way. I want my angel to be next to me until we’re wrnkled old prunes. And I want my life to be filled with friendship and laughter. Could I also say that I want George Bush to be impeached and jailed as a war criminal? Just figured I’d put that out to the universe.
The clock says it’s almost 4am. My body doesn’t believe it; it’s still on Vancouver time. Thankfully, we are parked for a few days so I can sleep in until the dogs wake me up to go outside. After driving over 1200 km in 2 days we decided it was time for a rest. We’re in a nice campground, although it has way too many mosquitos, and we’ve got a full hookup (with power, water, sewer, wi fi, and cable) so we’re going to take advantage of it tomorrow.
Okay. Off with me, hopefully to dream of life a it should be.
I bought The Princess Bride on DVD a few weeks ago and we finally got around to watching it tonight. It is one of my very favorite movies. The book rocks just as much as the movie, btw. Over the years I’ve probably watched it two o three dozen times and I never get tired of it. It’s as close to a perfect story as I’ve seen, at least from my point of view.
I am an idealist at heart. I believe that true love is the greatest force in existence, and I believe that true love conquers all. I’m a hopeless romantic. It’s just a heart warming movie.
I thought about watching it because we saw the pilot episode of Dead Like Me a few days ago and it also had Mandy Patinkin (Inigo Montoya) in it. We’re going to buy Dead Like Me on DVD. The pilot rocked. Only two seasons were produced, but it looks awesome.
Anyhoo.
We’re in Ontario now. The trip is going a little faster than planned, but it’s ending up being a good thing. We’ll need to be in Toronto by the first of June, so we can do some exploring before hand along the way.
I haven’t felt like saying much in my journal lately. I’m basically keeping it as a log of things I’m doing rather than things I’m feeling. I’m having a hard time writing about anything of consequence, so for now I’ll just go with the flow. It’s funny, I have a compulsion to write here, but when I take the time to actually put ‘pen to paper’ so to speak, the words throttle themselves in my proverbial throat.
So what gets written will have to do.
It’s interesting to see the results so far from my johari profile. Loving has come up as my number one trait, and I’d have to whole heartedly agree with that. All of the traits that I thought I was have come up on the list. It’s interesting that I am percieved as shy by at least one person. I’m not shy. I can be introverted though. Yes, there is a huge difference between the two. When I want to I can be very gregarious and charming. I use those traits less these days though since there’s nobody I really want to impress or convince of my godhood 
able
bold
calm
caring
confident
friendly
intelligent
sentimental
loving
Those are the words that came up as my most percieved characteristics. I agree whole heartedly with those adjectives. I’m actually very sentimental. I don’t like to get rid of things, even if they are useless, if they have sentimental value to me. I made Katt keep the dress she wore when we first made love for about 6 years, even after it had gotten ripped and bleach stained, because I could see that dress and remember the smells, sensations, and feelings of the first time we held each other close. I’ve got a litte toy car, an f-1 race car I think it is, that my dad gave to me that he had for 20+ years when I turned 13. It’s still on my book case to this day. And oddly enough, I have a brass camel that my grandmother gave me when I was very young. I don’t remember the significance of the camel, other than it reminds me of my grandma when she was healthy and uncompromised by dementia.
Bold… There’s a few ways I interpret this. Some see me as bold for my lifestyle choices. I’m openly bi, kinky, and I run porn sites for a living. I’ve changed my last name. I don’t know if I see that as bold, more a function of neccessity. Perhaps being bold is simply doing what you want because you can. I’m not sure. It certainly hasn’t always been easy to live an alternative lifestyle, but it’s a lot easier than NOT living the way I live. It’s interesting how that can be percieved. I live my life as I do because it’s easier than not.
And in the other sense of being bold, I’ve just always done what has needed to be done. I avoid confrontation if I can; I don’t enjoy it but if I have to I can be a nasty bastard. I get it from my mother. She, like me, will turn into a beast if family or loved ones are threatened. I have slightly more… tact… than her. She’s a bit more bullish than I am.
I’m a very loving and loyal person. I have many wolf’ish traits, and those are among them. In the main, I’m a very emotional person thats wrapped himself in a hard, crunchy, indifferent shell. Shields up! Arm photon torpedos!
I’m not a casual person. I’m not good at doing anything half way. Idealism. That’s it. I’m idealistic. Pttthhht. Half measures are not worth taking. The downside to this is that I expect other people to meet the same expectations I hold for myself. It sometimes means that if I don’t think that *I* can meet my expectations, I just won’t bother to try. I have a lot of ’shoulds’ that run through my head. Love should be like this. Friendship should be like that. Monkeys should fly our of GWB’s ass. You know. Serious things. Actually, scratch that. The poor monkeys.
Shoulds are actually very limiting. Idealism can be limiting in some ways and liberating in others. I have a very idealized view of love. I’ve been living my very own love story for the last 14 years and to me thats about as ideal as it can get. I know how good love feels. I know what it feels like to have that love reflected back at me. I know what it is like to choose to grow together and choose a life with someone I adore. That is how love is supposed to feel in my mind. It is a hard standard for those I have been in a poly relationship with to feel that they need to live up to. So you see; liberating and limiting.
On another note… one of the friendships I value the most is with my friend Aya. I have to get in touch with her again. She had some major trauma before the holidays, and I have left her a few messages letting her know that I’m around if she needs anything. Incommunicado thus far. I love that girl; I hope she’s okay. I just don’t want to be pushy if she needs her space to recover. I’m very conscious of not being too pushy.
Anyhoo. I think it’s time to get to bed.
On February 2nd, Katt and I will have our 14th anniversary. 14 years together. Oh my! It still seems like yesterday that we met, and I can still feel the fresh faced 20 year old I was when I met her inside me each time I look at her. I knew in my heart after meeting her that she would be the love of my life. She was my first love and she is my present and my future love.
We’ve been through a lot together; much of it very good, and some of it very bad. Throughout it all there’s always been ‘us’. I take a lot of comfort and pleasure in ‘us’. Through experience I know that our commitment to each other is strong and that no matter what happens we’ll always be there for each other.
She’s my girl. I absolutely adore her. I love the fact that we’ve made the choice over the years to grow together rather than apart. We plan our loves together every day.
What can I say? I’m not sure there are enough words. She is my one great true love.
I am a very lucky man indeed.
Next Page »
