I got my computer back today.  I am currently running the battery auto learn CMOS feature on it.  This has so far taken 5 hours.

I also think I am getting tendonitis in my right elbow.  I get shooting pain when I try to lift anything and I have a hard time straightening my elbow.    I am going to take a week off of using my arms for lifting and probably just do cardio and squats.  I don’t want to chance a long term injury.  It has only been sore for about a week, so I am hoping I have caught it early enough for quick recovery.

Interesting.  I don’t seem to recall leaking any semen lately.  Even with the PA, everything works just fine.  In fact, it works better than before.

Maybe it was my vasectomy?  I no longer leak any sperm -at all-.  I am infertile.  Woo fucking hoo!!!  I am very happy about that, trust me.  Ejaculate doesn’t count, since it it just a carrier fluid.

Leaking semen.. nope.  It’s all quite deliberate thanks!

When I brought it into the lab my cum in a jar was treated with great urgency.  From my pocket it went straight to the lab with much fanfare.  It was very exciting to have my semen get so much attention.

Hopefully the results will show that I have no sperm count.  I am really looking forward to the fact that I will no longer be able to make anyone pregnant – EVER.

Of course there are other concerns other than pregnancy, like sti’s, so protected sex still happens regardless of the Big V.  But the Big V certainly eliminates the risk of accidents.

My workout today was awesome.  I keep records each week of sets, reps, and weight and it is nice to see each week that I am making progress.  Seeing my body on the video Katt and I did yesterday was really motivating and renewed my commitment to getting fitter.

I made an appointment to get my truck fixed tomorrow.  $360 bucks to get the heater core fixed.  Much better than the $1100 the dealer was going to charge me.  Which reminds me; I need to get the heater core from the shop so I don’t forget to bring it tomorrow.

So…  crossing my fingers for no sperm!

Peace of mind is a good thing.

The double flogging work shop put on by Jason was amazing!   The workshop attendees learned a lot of tips and tricks about how to use two floggers at once, and they were entertained by the demo with Katt bottoming for Jason during the workshop.

The pinata seemed to be a real hit.  It was made by a really talented local craftswoman that created it from a description from Katt.  The result, as you can see, is a very hot male torso complete with a HUGE cock and a nice round ass.  I think there was some penis envy going on that night.

Eventually, the pinata broke after 6 or 7 people gave it some really hard whacks with various dungeon implements.  The part that broke on the pinata, ironically enough, was it’s ass!
The play party after the workshop was really hopping.   We had multiple rope suspension scenes, double flogging scenes, and many other hot duos and trios playing!  Katt bottomed all night long, eventually wearing out two flogging tops.  That’s my girl!

For our next events on July 14 we are having a BBQ in the afternoon, complete with Oil wrestling and a pie baking contest, followed by the regularly scheduled En Femme which starts at 7pm.

I lost the use of my computer for 3 days because of a virus.  Going 3 days without a computer is rather hellish, especially when I have a lot of work to do.  E-mail is also an essential part of my existence.  I spent muchof Wednesday re-installing all my programs and data.  Much hassle.

An extra monthly bill has popped up that is rather unfortunate and will make our budget quite tight.

We got a pretty Fisher’s Lovebird a few weeks ago.  He is quite bitey and we’ve been working hard to make him more tame and less flesh nouchy.

We took the pugs to the vet early this week for annual shots and to get Luna’s and Bella’s ears looked at.  They had been scratching at them for a few days and they seemed to be sore.  It turns out they both had ear infections, so we got ear drops and antibiotics from them.

I’ve been working out fairly regularly and am feeling much more fit than I have been for a while.  My tolerance of the eliptical trainer has gone down from beng able to be on it for 5 mins to only 20 mins.  My feet go completely numb at the 20 minute mark.  Wierd.  So I do the elliptical for 20 then I run on the dreadmill until I am done.  Then I lift weights for 30-45 mins and follow it up with a hot tub and swim.

I go in for a vasectomy in early July.  Katt has no uterus, I know, but I do occasionally have other sexual partners and I want no chance of making babies.

We’ve changed En femme to the second Saturday of the month rather than the second friday.  I think Saturday is a better day, since most people have Saturday as their party night.  This En Femme looks to be quite well attended.

My PA is one of the best sexual enhancement devices I have ever used.  The five seconds of pain was definitely worth it.  I am at a 10g piercing right now and will try to gradually stretch it to a 6g.  Once I am at 6g I will hopefully be able to afford a Prince’s Wand.  It looks like an amazing little urethra stim unit that will have benefits for one’s partner as well.

Katt has a live in houseboy now.  He is a cool guy and seems to dote on her.  He sleeps on a little pet mattress by her side of our bed.

I still need a half decent lawnmower.

I have switched from regular coke to coke zero, thus cutting my calorie intake considerably and my waistline has shrunk as an added bonus.

Our personal and corporate taxes are now done for 2006.  Eeeeeeevil!  And expensive.  But my accountant is teh HAWESOME and does am amazing job for me.

I can haz cheesburger?

The first night I bled quite a lot, and last night not much at all. I spent most of the day yesterday doing bleeding management. Today I’ve been able to go our and cut the lawn and run errands without any major issues. I do have to make sure I adjust myself properly though so the piercing doesn’t rub against my underwear too much. If the piercing rubs, it moves, and it feels pretty durned intense.

I’m not supposed to have sex until it heals. The main issue with that is making sure I don’t get bodily fluid that is not my own on the wound. This prevents infection and helps speed healing. As soon as I am healed over enough, I’m going to make use of the plentiful condoms in my home, and try it out!

The piercing is supposed to stretch fairly naturally over time, anywhere up to an 8 or 6 guage piece of jewelery. There are so many amazing pieces of jewelery you can use too. *drools* I am looking forward to going up to a bigger piece of jewelery in.

We went out and had sushi for dinner on my birthday, and I bought a fruit flan for dessert. I love flans. I used to have one almost every year when I was in my teens. On Friday we had our first Raven’s Retreat En Femme Friday party. It was my birthday party as well as a public event. It went really well.

I wore a dress for the first time -ever-. I’ve been told for, let me see, YEARS, that I’d look good in one; a gender fuck as it were. A very masculine me, not trying to look anything but masciline, in a dress. Who knew I’d look so hot.

Who knew. The look was a big hit. I got lots of compliments and even some leg humping. Not too shabby.

It was a smallish party, so Katt and I were able to play together. I have been experimenting with sounds. Sounds are nice. New genital sensations are always a good thing. At larger parties we tend to be busier hosting, so having some public play time was nice.

I have been attempting to be a little more open to trying new things. I can be somewhat stubborn about.. err.. change… and about my interpretations about what my role is and how I perceive myself. I can let myself be the focus of attention without feeling guilty. That’s a big one for me.

There has been some change in relationship status for me as well. I had been dating someone until just recently when I decided that I would make a better friend than a boyfriend. The decision really had nothing to do with the person I was dating at all, they are really cool, sweet, and attractive. I am just not up to that level of intensity in my life at the moment. I really don’t like to hurt people, but I can’t be where I’m not. I do enjoy their company a lot though and hope we can remain close friends.

So yeah, as always the birthday has been a very introspective time for me. More later though. It’s late and I am sleepy.

We’ve got about a foot of snow outside.   Unfortunately, there have been no snow plows along any of the roads on my area.  I am supposed to drive to get the van looked at tomorrow, but if the snow is too deep I’ll cancel and do it another day.  The van drives well in snow and I drive well in the snow, but other people’s driving SUCKS when it snows.  Thus I tend to stay off the roads to avoid the jackasses that drive on summer tires or goof off because it’s slippery.  It’s only 2-3 miles to the garage, so I’ll likely give it a go if the roads are reasonable in the AM.

It’s absolutely gorgeous outside.  It’s gone from being very wet and dirty outside to nice and white and clean.  Luckily we still have power.  Some areas of BC have had their power knocked out from snow laden branches falling and hitting power lines.  The view from our front window is amazing.  The wind is quite strong and it’s snowing quite heavily and the combination means lots of blowing snow and snow drifts.

As much as I love the snow it’s an inconvenient week for it to arrive.  I have the van appointment tomorrow, and Leila has a follow up appointment for her hysterectomy surgery on Wednesday.  Otherwise, everything I need is withing a 3 block walk.  There’s a grocery store close by, a vet clinic, 2 movie rental places, and a gas station.

Even so, I’ll be sad when the snow goes away.  The weather is supposed to warm up by Thursday so there will be lots of rain and melting snow.  The roads will even be ‘lovelier’ at that point.

As I mentioned, Leila has her surgery follow up on Wednesday.  We find out how well she’s healed and whether she can work out again.  And, most importantly, whether she can have sex again!  Given she’s now without major reproductive organs, her uterus and cervix, it will be interesting to see if her sexual response has changed any due to the missing parts.  Hopefully it won’t have changed, or if it has changed it will be for the better.  We shall see in 3 more days!

I am really happy to be having our own space again.  In particular I’m excited about having a dungeon/play space, and I’m really excited about being able to entertain and have parties.  That’ll rock.  Of course, that won’t be happening until after Katt recovers from surgery.  She gets vivisected on the 17th and will spend 4-7 days in hospital recovering.  Hysterectomies are a pretty intensive surgery and it takes a very long time to recover from.  In the long term, there will be a few benefits for her though from having had a hysterctomy.  She’ll never bleed again, and she’ll never ever be able to get pregnant.  It also seems she’ll keep her ovaries, which is very good.  On a related note, I’m #1 in google for the search term “fibrous uterine growth”.  Another downside to the hysterectomy is lack of sex!  In the grand scheme of things it’s not a big deal, but it kind of sucks because Katt’s sex drive had started to come back quite strongly after a long time of being almost non existent and we were starting to rebuild that intimacy again which was really nice.  Anyone who knows me knows how much I adore her and am completely stricken by lust for her.

It’s funny, one of the reasons the kind of poly we’ve done over the last 4-5 years hasn’t worked for us is because we dated separately during that period of time.  My partners always felt that Katt was and is my main focus and that created an imbalance in that way.  I enjoy being with Katt.  We spend most of our days together and our lives are really integrated with each other.  No matter how much we loved our other partners, there was just no way we could manage that level of equality purely from the fact that Katt and I had 15 years of history and goals as a couple that wanted to accomplish.  I couldn’t be one of those poly people that moves between 3 or more different partners.  To me it would feel like I was moving in a different direction than I wanted.  I enjoy spending time with Katt.  I guess I am one of those people that bonds really strongly to their partner.  I can’t imagine my life without her.  When you try to take someone else into that equation it can really become a challenge.  Of course, there are different levels of relationships as well that wouldn’t require that level of enmeshment, and thats what we’ll likely do in the future.  For myself, that means casual kink play and perhaps having a fuckbuddy or three.  I don’t have any plans for any more romantic poly relationships.  The kind of relationships we are really more interested in are power exchange (d/s) relationships.  We’re a dominant kinky couple and we don’t want anyone to have equal say.  That was a wee tangent, but something we’ve been talking about a lot.

One of the first things we’ll do tomorrow is buy paint and dog proof the fence in the back yard.  Wow.  We have a back yard.  The dogs will love that.  It’s not very private at the moment, but thats something we can worry about next year.  We have family lined up with plant donations, so I’m sure we can come up with something.
I’d better try to sleep.  I am starting to get too foggy to type coherently.

I had a few firsts today. I had my first manicure; I wasn’t impressed. I thought I’d end up with these super buffed and hot nails, and they look exactly like they do when I do it myself. I also got my back waxed. Neat experience. Once I hit 30 I started to grow this patch of hair in the small of my back and it started spreading upwards. 10 minutes of wax on, wax off, and my back is legendary!

It’s not a first, but I fit into size 34 pants again! I was a 36-38 a few months ago and for much of the last few years, and with my recent change in eating habits I’m down to a 34 with an occasional 36 thrown in. Sweet.

And on another good, well, GREAT, note… I have a sex life again! Not that the end all and be all in life is sex; the most important thing to me is the kind of intimacy that comes with it. Anyone who knows me sees how much I love Katt and how, well, devoted, I am to her. (It hasn’t made it easy for those I’ve been in a poly relationship with). That didn’t mean I didn’t love the people I was in a poly relationship with, it meant that I wasn’t able to give what I thought I could. You never know unless you try, and I have certainly learned a lot in my life. No matter what kind of day I’ve had, if we’ve had an arguement, a difference of opinion, or illness, at the end of the day there’s no place I’d rather be than with her.

We’ve been together almost 15 years.  Wow.   She still takes my breath away.

It’s funny; I grew up wanting a simple life, and I ended up living a life I’d never even imagined. While my life has been rather more complicated, it’s been infinitely more interesting than I could have imagined. I know every detail of the last 14 years intimately, but it sometimes doesn’t seem entirely real.

I can still remember the very young and untried young man I used to be. I always was very optimistic and tended to look on the bright side of things. I saw the world in my own, very romantic and idealized, way and I felt that other people were as bright and optimistic as me.

I’ve led a very lucky life. I can’t say that all of it has been easy, because it hasn’t all been easy. I’ve made a few really stupid mistakes. I’ve recovered from a few stupid mistakes. I’ve lived a life filled with intense moments of drama, stress, and loss, and I’ve lived a life filled with moments of intense love, purpose, and fufillment.

I’ve seen the horror that is the DTES of Vancouver. Whatever people tell you, it is horrifying, not just because there are people who shoot drugs (and occasionally each other), but because after a while you get used to seeing people sleeping on the street, shooting heroin, smoking crack, and beating the shit out of each other. It becomes normal. Shit like that should never -ever- be considered normal. Compassion and empathy should never be reserved just for family, friends, and peers and nobody should be left all alone in the night.

I’ve been numb for a very long time and once you’ve been numb long enough your forget to have compassion even for yourself. Isn’t it sad that the world generally seems to make people numb, crazy, or somehow completely oblivious to anything outside their sphere of awareness?
Books, TV shows, and movies, strangely enough, remind me to let my breath out once in a while. They give me a safe place to express emotion.

I wanted to use this trip across Canada as a fresh start for myself so I could break some ingrained patterns and habits. I want to wake up every day feeling excited about what is coming next. Every day I wake up grumpy and out of sorts. I am tired of waking up and wanting just to go back to sleep again. I want to become a nicer and better person. I don’t want to stand alone in a crowd anymore. I want to make friends with people that don’t mind that I get tongue tied from time to time and that I don’t always make sense. I want to be able to communicate more effectively my limits and desires around intimate friendships. I want to be able to make it through a single day without swearing profusely because I’m stressed out. I’m tired of being stressed out! My life is good. I shouldn’t have many reasons to be stressing, but amany days the knot in my throat is still there. I’m tired of my deodorant working for 20 hours less than the 24 hours it promises!

There is a lot of time to think while we’re travelling. There is no TV to distract me. We drive for up to 8 hours a day some days and there’s loads of time for reflection. Being stuck with my thoughts isn’t always so comfortable. I will ocasionally start thinking about something stressful and I have to remind myself not to get into a circular train of thought. I consciously refocus my mind on something else.

Every day when I wake up I try to stretch out my body and breath the clean, fresh, air and bring myself into awareness with a positive thought. Every day I see my angel sleeping across from me and that is the best happy thought that I have.

You know, I don’t use the term ‘polyamorous’ to describe myself anymore; I think I mentioned that not too long ago. The youthful ideals I had around that have shifted into a different reality. We both say we’re in an open marriage, though in practice neither of us really have much of a sex drive anyways, so the point is kind of moot. I’m just not able to go there right now on an emotional level.  I’ve got too much stuff to work on inside myself before that even becomes a possibility.

The whole goal of this trip is to work on connecting with myself so I can better connect with others. I don’t mean sexually… get your mind out of the gutter (ptttthhhht). I simply mean that I would like to be able to develop some friendships that have no overt sexual tensions or expectations, and if they do, to be able to clearly state my limitations.  I also want to learn to become less self critical.  I am my own worst enemy, if truth be told.
I don’t know what I want from the rest of my life right now. I know some things… I want property so we can rescue animals. I want to live a meaningful life where I feel I’m contributing to the world in some small way. I want my angel to be next to me until we’re wrnkled old prunes. And I want my life to be filled with friendship and laughter. Could I also say that I want George Bush to be impeached and jailed as a war criminal? Just figured I’d put that out to the universe.

The clock says it’s almost 4am.  My body doesn’t believe it; it’s still on Vancouver time.  Thankfully, we are parked for a few days so I can sleep in until the dogs wake me up to go outside.  After driving over 1200 km in 2 days we decided it was time for a rest.  We’re in a nice campground, although it has way too many mosquitos, and we’ve got a full hookup (with power, water, sewer, wi fi, and cable) so we’re going to take advantage of it tomorrow.

Okay.  Off with me, hopefully to dream of life a it should be.

I’ve always had a flexible libido though.  My libido adapts to my circumstances and the availability of partners.  The only thing that affects my libido that I don’t have as much control over is stress.  Stress is the libido killer.

Katt and I have decided to drop the label ‘polyamorous’ and just say we’re in an open marriage.  The poly communities I see are incestuous to the nth degree and are full of well meaning bunnies and light flakey drama queens.  I think having domestic slaves is the wave of our future.  I’m not sure that either of us will ever seek out intense romantic relationships with other’s again, though one never knows what might happen in the future.

We’ll spend the next year or three travelling so there won’t be much opportunity for anything other than casual flings, which may actually work out quite well.  Once we decide to settle down again we’ll start working towards our grand vision of the future, which will include living a D/S lifestyle with domestic servants and in home dungeon space.

One of Vancouvers local BDSM organizations has set up a sex positive room with bed and a glory hole.  If I was more advernturous and wasn’t so fussy, I might take a turn sticking my dick in a hole.  Of course, I’d probably have to supply my own sucker behind the hole so that would take some of the thrill out of it, and having some anonymous person that I wouldn’t know if they were hot or not would also be kinda off putting.  So no dick in a hole for me unless I get an offer from someone I find super hot and can guarantee me a very good blow job.  What can I say, I demand the best!

The only sexual scenarios that even remotely get me interested (this is not including the lovely Katt, who I would shag at the drop of a hat), is boy on boy sex, and sexual service submissives.  I’m very much into being serviced at this point in my life.  I desire lots and lots of attention from sexy, cute, submissive individuals.

Hmm.. here I am chatting about all sorts of hot stuff, and not even a tingle.  Ah well.

able
bold
calm
caring
confident
friendly
intelligent
sentimental
loving

Those are the words that came up as my most percieved characteristics. I agree whole heartedly with those adjectives. I’m actually very sentimental. I don’t like to get rid of things, even if they are useless, if they have sentimental value to me. I made Katt keep the dress she wore when we first made love for about 6 years, even after it had gotten ripped and bleach stained, because I could see that dress and remember the smells, sensations, and feelings of the first time we held each other close. I’ve got a litte toy car, an f-1 race car I think it is, that my dad gave to me that he had for 20+ years when I turned 13. It’s still on my book case to this day. And oddly enough, I have a brass camel that my grandmother gave me when I was very young. I don’t remember the significance of the camel, other than it reminds me of my grandma when she was healthy and uncompromised by dementia.

Bold… There’s a few ways I interpret this. Some see me as bold for my lifestyle choices. I’m openly bi, kinky, and I run porn sites for a living. I’ve changed my last name. I don’t know if I see that as bold, more a function of neccessity. Perhaps being bold is simply doing what you want because you can. I’m not sure. It certainly hasn’t always been easy to live an alternative lifestyle, but it’s a lot easier than NOT living the way I live. It’s interesting how that can be percieved. I live my life as I do because it’s easier than not.

And in the other sense of being bold, I’ve just always done what has needed to be done. I avoid confrontation if I can; I don’t enjoy it but if I have to I can be a nasty bastard. I get it from my mother. She, like me, will turn into a beast if family or loved ones are threatened. I have slightly more… tact… than her. She’s a bit more bullish than I am.

I’m a very loving and loyal person. I have many wolf’ish traits, and those are among them. In the main, I’m a very emotional person thats wrapped himself in a hard, crunchy, indifferent shell. Shields up! Arm photon torpedos!

I’m not a casual person. I’m not good at doing anything half way. Idealism. That’s it. I’m idealistic. Pttthhht. Half measures are not worth taking. The downside to this is that I expect other people to meet the same expectations I hold for myself. It sometimes means that if I don’t think that *I* can meet my expectations, I just won’t bother to try. I have a lot of ‘shoulds’ that run through my head. Love should be like this. Friendship should be like that. Monkeys should fly our of GWB’s ass. You know. Serious things. Actually, scratch that. The poor monkeys.

Shoulds are actually very limiting. Idealism can be limiting in some ways and liberating in others. I have a very idealized view of love. I’ve been living my very own love story for the last 14 years and to me thats about as ideal as it can get. I know how good love feels. I know what it feels like to have that love reflected back at me. I know what it is like to choose to grow together and choose a life with someone I adore. That is how love is supposed to feel in my mind. It is a hard standard for those I have been in a poly relationship with to feel that they need to live up to. So you see; liberating and limiting.

On another note… one of the friendships I value the most is with my friend Aya. I have to get in touch with her again. She had some major trauma before the holidays, and I have left her a few messages letting her know that I’m around if she needs anything. Incommunicado thus far. I love that girl; I hope she’s okay. I just don’t want to be pushy if she needs her space to recover. I’m very conscious of not being too pushy.

Anyhoo. I think it’s time to get to bed.

I have a few things that keep me from acting on the hron.  The first – STD’s.  I don’t want any.  The second – most people that reply to my personals ads come across as uber skanky.  When I get a reply to a personal ad that includes the words “dirty cum pig”, I hit the delete button.

What I would like to find is a female or couple that wants to meet a healthy, safe, kinky, guy (aka me) for friendship and potentially rockin’ good sex.  Of course they also need to be safe, healthy, and non skanky (just like me!).  I’m even into meeting a single male so long as he isn’t going to write me with anything regarding being a ‘cum pig’ in his bio and he’s as clean as a whistle.

Not too much to ask for, neh?

Mastubation is fine and all, but sometimes I really would like to feel the length of someone pressed up against me.

Hrm.

Canada’s top court says clubs with group sex, swapping are legal | CP

The article brings into focus the whole idea of community standards and how it differs from community to community and tehrefor wasn’t something that could be used to decide the issue. Instead theyused a more practical definition of what consititutes a disruption to society. Fucking in public in streets bad, fucking behind closed doors with multiple consenting partners good.

One more for the good guys.

I’m not sure if we’re going to make it to Cirque de Sade tonight. It will very likely be a last minute decision, but somehow given that Katt is still sleeping, I don’t think it’s going to happen.

As part of my decision to do a little exploration of uncovered areas of my sexuality, I’ve decided to try urethral sounds, catheters, and genital electric play. I want to see if I can get different ranges of sensations with different kinds of genital play. Who knows, I may find a way to get a better orgasm, and that is a worthy goal.

I’ve also decided to be open to developing casual play relationships with men, women, and/or couples.

Big Daddy Wolfe needs some lovin.

As such I’ve amended some of my personal ads out there to include the fact that I’m available. Of course, I’m still fussy. Thats always been a bigger barrier than anything else. But I’m working on it.

I’ve really been feeling hyper sexual lately. I was telling Katt the other day that if she ever gets her libido back we should look for a male lover. I have some very happy memories of some of our past male lovers. There’s one in particular that I would definitely look up if he was still local. Yummy.

I’d better stop before my mind gets fixated!

Aside from that, I have decided it might be good to explore relaxing some of my control issues around receiving pleasure and to explore new ways of making sex and play more appealing and exciting to me.

I’m not exactly sure in what directions I will want to explore just yet. I do know that I want to try things like urethral sounds, tens genital play, and such things. Oh, and getting full body erotic massages. Mmmm.

So I’m in a thoughtful phase. I want to try new things on the receiving end for a change. And since I’ve always been a giver, it will take some thought adjustment.